Friday, October 29, 2010

Palolo Memoirs

I will never forget the time my mother almost cried.
(And my mother never cries).
When she couldn't find the tennis and squash racquets she bought from Seb and Rene.
And hand-carried onto a Pasi o Vaa from Fugalei to Mulifanua,
Held close to her side on the Fotu o Samoa.
One. Rough. Sailing day.
Then craddled from Salelelologa to Lmalava,
Only to be unstrung by her brother Tanumafili and converted into mea ka palolo, using Mother's finest mosquito net, made of fine chantilly lace.
Sent from Australia and kept in a pusa ku for many many moons.
That was the day she almost cried.
***
But,
His punishment came in the form of my little sister.
Who, on the dawn of the catch, whined like a baby (maybe because she was a baby at the time, oops.)
Refusing to walk, or swim in the dark. (fair enough, she was only little, poor thing, sorry Lagipoiva!)
She cried because she was scared of the worms around her.
And fearful at the sight of palolo sticking to her tshirt
Tanumafili had to lift her on his shoulders, as he navigated over dark sharp corals,
And a stormy sea,
While positioning his povi masima bucket steady with one arm.
And catching worms with the other
with his newly sewn Wilson racquet with chantilly lace.

Two vows were made,
He will never unstring our racquets again.
And he will never take little sister with us on a palolo catch again.
***
okay enogh memories- While youre slurping worms this season, don't forget what they really are:
Would you like sperms with your fries? or fertilised eggs?
Yep, enjoy the reporductive organ meal deal.
"The terminal parts of their bodies drop off and float over the surface of the water, releasing sperm and eggs" (thank you wikipedia).
eh that's just me being jealous coz i can't get or eat them anyway.
here's an old post i did about palolos:
click here: Eating wringling worms
Maguia le weekend.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

When you thought you'd heard it all...tsk tsk

Sorry, this is a quickie post because ua leva le po. leai se mea school ua faia. big faalavelave (:

On Monday (Labour Day), the P'sens came over for dinner with....panipopo.
Our friend Nets was making them and decided to drop a tray off with the above.
I was both happy to inhale the panipopo but slightly taken aback by the fact that Nets didn't drop off a tray for me.
Aiu much?
Ioed!
So I called to blow her ears off and get my head blown off instead, she left several messages on phone while wasn't switched on.
- yessir, I am still utterly hopeless with carrying my phone, responding to calls and texting. I just dont have the energy for it.

Annnnnnnnnyhow, in the midst of all this catch up and faikakalarations, I find out that people we know very well have had some problems, which may or may not have resulted in a physical altercation that is commonly called beating up your wife fasi ava.

Again -
I am sick and tired of this.
What can I do? (and dont say be there to listen and support - I am sick of the excuses).
This is not the first couple, nor the last who I thought I knew well that have ended up like this.
I am sick of it.
Men who do this - that I know of - have so much in common:
They are normally nice, friendly even, social, caring (ioe) but they have some weaknesses:
They do not have the intellectual capacity to deal with problems in a sensible (non violent) manner.
They hit the roof, hurt their partner and then go begging them and declaring their love while the partners face is fulafula from the beating.
The women they are with are so smitten by them that they see past their Sickness.
Last by not least, all the men I know who do this are: SAMOAN.
They think it is okay to "faasa'o" (correct) their partner thru violence.
I asked two of these shits why they do it and typical laughing response..."se ua ova le fiapoko ae kasi a le aiga o le po, uma ma le guku oso".
Women should not allow this to happen to them, there is help available, we (your family and friends) are here to support you, and take care of you, but at the end of the day, YOU have to find the courage to get out of that hole. We wont judge you, We care. We want the best for you.
While you are alive. this time.
We love you.






Sunday, October 24, 2010

My thoughts are consumed with waves, again.

I slept poorly in the night.
My back ached, my head was spinning and my thoughts were filled with black water and death and well, I have one person to blame (:

This was planned to be three days of 'nothing' aside from; Wake up, beach. Walk back, eat.  Nap time, read. Wake up, eat. Walk back, beach, read, eat, sleep.
Except, this whole routine of 'nothingness' was disrupted by my precious copy of the Galu Afi.
My reading was no longer a leisurely turning of a Jodi Picoult page.
No.
This was an urgent, persistent - 'I must keep reading, I am stuck in Malaela and I need to venture onto Lalomanu! There are children missing, and I DO NOT KNOW if they are alive. or alive, I MUST READ ON'.

...But, we are on a long weekend break, I argue with myself.

I laid the book down, careful not to scratch the surface, and bookmarked the page where Mika walks on.

I look around me and realised there isn't a big difference between Lalomanu and Tapu, the ocean lay before us on all sides, we are staying in the bach on a thin strip of flat land and our backyard is, well, its a cliff.

So I walked to the back of the bach and made a mental note of where to run.
Because I'm paranoid like that.
I must have an emergency plan with my family.

Frenchy is sitting by the barbie with Scotty, drinking Tui beers and talking shet as per usual.

"Frenchy, Scotty - If an earthquake happens, do not wait for a warning, leave the beach with the kids, Immediately"

Both clueless men look at me with bloodshot eyes and one said "Right, you carry the bbq, I'll take the cooler".
A drunken chorus of ignorant laughter follow and I feel my high blood pressure hitting the roof.
"Well, that was the same reaction from two men who were found floating in a puddle".
Laughter stops briefly and I stormed off to feed the girls.
Then I was back to the book.
And I read and read and read, until it was 1am.

Like I said before, you must read this - but don't fret, it is not a depressing recollection of memories, or a logistical nightmare, or a story of heroism for those who survived, or holding close to your loved ones, or a book about rebuilding.
It's all of those things, and much much more.
  **********
There is one thing that stood out for me.
The way people react at trying times.
They exemplify gracious humanity, or ugly greed.
I saw both that day at Poutasi, walking to Tuataga's house and all around us were men collecting things off the trees and the swamp behind.
I saw a MATAI Samoa open Tuataga's freezer that was washed out to the garage and call out to his aumaga to come and carry the pork pieces and the alaga povi to their village (that wasn't affected).
But there are many more stories of humanity at its finest that should be celebrated.

Needless to say, this long weekend has been consumed with thoughts of waves and loss and hope and rebuilding from the ground. But one thing I can be grateful for, is that this book opened my eyes and my heart to the lives and dreams and lessons of others. We can only move forward from this.
....................................
I hope Lani's literary talents will be used by MESC and DMO in creating reading material for children, because those work.
I remember clearly the poster on our primary school library, of a large black wave building up and children heading for the hills. This was also on the back cover of the exercise books.
...but then again, I am reminded of the views expressed by Andrew at MOHealth about educating our people.
E ese a le exercise book ese le reality., e lulu mai le mafui'e ae pefu uma i kai e makamaka i le makafaga.

Thanks for a memorable read, buy the book at wheelers.co.nz

Buy this Book



Now, the rest of New Zealand who want a copy of Lani Wendt's book can go to http://www.wheelers.co.nz/ and order it there.
This, without the hassle of calling your family in Samoa ($25.00), asking someone to buy it from Plantation House (taxi fare $7.00) and giving it to someone ($20) to bring to you ($25) in NZ., and then having your relation, ask you for money for white sunday at the same time ($200).

This is easier: go online, order, pay $51.40 and voila...Bob's yer uncle!


Why should I bother buying this?


This is a MUST OWN for your collection, it will now take centre stage on the book shelf indefinitely, removing the Mea Kai cook book that you bought with cooking in mind but realised you can't buy manioca, or replicate true island feasts in a cold sterile palagi kitchen. So off yer go to the bottom shelf Oliver.


A Gift that means something
This is THE perfect Christmas gift for someone with everything , (yeah, i say that about every book i talk about here, but i really mean it this time).

It's MADE IS SAMOA
Aside from banana chips, keke saiga and the sevens team Opeloge siblings, this is the best thing that has come out of Samoa in a long long long time. So enjoy it!


She was my cheechar!
Ms Wendt was my teacher at SamCo.
And I was in the not- so- brilliant classes (academically that is :)....and... she taught us (shock horror!).
Either she did a really good Oscar winning performance or she actually did give a damn.
You see, being in the lower classes, you are usually subjected to the teachers who can't be arsed teaching.
So their punishment is teaching us!
We were used to get teachers who, halfway through explaining something, they'd stop and say "Eh, forget it, you won't get it" (aka Mr T), or a former politician who takes a '19th century /Modern History' class trip to Falealupo to look at traditional (and legendary ) structures....or or, an Economics teacher who slugs his fat belly into the congested room, lights a Rothman and orders someone to 'copy the teixtpook baragraph on the plackpoard'. Let's not forget the Math teacher who asks us nicely to NOT sit the external exam lest we drag down the school average. And lest we forget the Art classes about Mesopotamian era taught by a pervert who chats up the girls in the back.
So...get the point?
Ms Wendt was a rarity, an awesome teacher who came in halfway and made Shakespeare likable (yes- its possible) and did things like class debates and interactive activities that made us think, "wow, this can actually work!"
so, is that enough reasons for you to get the book?????

If not, good luck.



Thursday, October 21, 2010

It's Friday. That means one thing only.

Me day!
Well, in a perfect world, it would be the day that I wake up at the crack of dawn and write brilliantly, non stop wisdom from my head to the laptop until my mind is spent and my thesis is a potential groundbreaking piece of work that Ban Ki Moon will quote endlessly.

Key word in above sentence is "in a perfect world".

In reality, MM and I slept in until 9am, then we woke up and played a game.
We stare at each other's face and the person who laughs first, loses.
The winner reward is being able to 'puka' the loser's cheeks.
(Yep - I'm a 3 year old like that, pugi).
Needless to say, MM loses and gets puka'd all the time, so she proposed a new rule this morning,..placing a pillow to cover half her face, in her attempt to suppress her laughter.
Epic fail.
And then I realised, it was 9:32am.
So we get out of bed, go through our morning prep routine and sit down at the table for cereal. Oops,
Ua uma le susu.
Damn it, so we had toast - with peanut butter.
She licks off the peanut butter and passes the now bare toast to me.
But hey, its a Friday, all the rules are out the window.
At 10am, we finally make our way out the door and over to Te Rapa Early Education Centre.
Then, just very calmly, I step out into the sunshine and declared happily;
"It's Friday, it's ME DAY!!!"

I didn't get to go shopping for by birthday last week, I was sick as a dog. But today is the start of Labour Weekend sales - and thats where my focus is at (thesis whaa?).
Frenchy asked me how much damage I anticipated on Mr MasterCard and I couldn't put a finger on the price.
(As I say this, half his head turns gray :-)

First stop - Bendon.
Everything instore is under $20. So for a change, I opt to buy the most expensive bras and briefs I came across,...because for today only, I Can. Yes I can, Obama!
Trouble is, I am 24 weeks ko, so my size is a bit of a gamble. So I bought different sizes. Because I'm worth it and because...I can.
Seven items later, I'd had enough. Thank God for my short attention span.

Next stop, Hannahs closing down sale, dirt cheap on every single item. At this point, the power of the toast has evaporated and I am tired. So I bought 3 pairs and walked back to the car.

I was about 10 steps from the vehicle when I saw the Max store advertisement.
Detour.
It was at this point that I went from sensible shopping to buying a dress that I will wear-once-but-will-be-the-cause-of-a-heated-argument-with-other-half-about-senseless-spending.
But (I tell myself), its an argument I am prepared to endure, and feign guilt for, and apologise for, because even if I wear that dress for one day,
It will be worth it.
After all,
It's ME DAY.
There are some things money can't buy, for everything else, there's MasterCard (:

   

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Definitely need some divine Intervention

The Catholic Tertiary Chaplain
cordially invites you and your family to the
Academic Mass
to be celebrated at 5.00pm on Sunday, November 7, 2010
in the Lady Good fellow Chapel, University of Waikato
Principal Celebrant: Most Reverend Denis Browne DD
Bishop of Hamilton
BBQ following
RSVP November 2, 2010

If this doesn't do it for me, then what will?
Allah? Bona Mere? Give me a sign please?

Monday, October 18, 2010

Confession Time

A few weeks ago, I redug up Chernobyl with the uni Librarian, who said I had not returned Derek Freeman and I therefore had to pay for it, right? heck no!
So I did a kick fullback protest outcry to the Hague and back arguing the issue...airena koilalo le alo o Tuifiti Fiakanak No Monero. There!

Well, fast forward to this morning.
I was cleaning MM's bookshelf, removing the mouldy cupcake from the corner when I saw a book cover with three words barely visible amidst the dust.
"Samoan Village Community"...hmmm..."The Social Structure of a..."
I thought to meself, "What's that doing between Snow White and Joy Cowley?"
I pulled it out and let out a "quilty" cry of joy...I FOUND DEREK!!!! WOOOHOOOO, I FOUND DEREK!!"
Frenchy asked me what the commotion was and I uttered something to downplay the monumental occasion.
He doesn't know about the lost book, you see.
Nor would he have known that it was his credit card that would pay for the loss.
So, now I am sitting here with my man Derek,... and trying to figure out a way to return him to the Library, AND still be able to walk away with my tuiga intact and my pale fuiono glistening in the morning sunshine.
Fiakanak much?

Most definitely.




Sunday, October 17, 2010

Reynald Temarii

If I recall correctly, this is the same character who was parachuted in by FIFA to resolve the festering Samoa Soccer problems in the last year,.....and now lookie here, he's part of bribery case regarding 2018 World Cup.

Gosh - money does shake the credibility of those who come across it.
But, yeah, if youve got a spare million, hook us up cuz!
Regarde moi,  I can turn this ball into 3 million tala!... from Russia with love, or Americana...well, from anyone with the highest bid...Going once! Going twice!....CAUGHT!
Manuia le vaiaso!

Check out this article about Reynald Temarii

Friday, October 15, 2010

Breaking News (NOT), Russell Hunter resigns

K, this is a toootally pa ka'e post about the Samoa Observer.
coz I'm a fan like that, pugi laia. hah

One of the articles is about Russell resigning....now, which part of that is actually news that people give a damn about???

oh! you care? well, i'm sorry, I don't.

But here's my pa ka'e discourse analysis of the article, and the context its presented.

1. Russell's resignation was unexpected by Samoa Observer. And they're not happy. They're even posted the article in a way to remove themselves from former editor.
2. Russell had a fall out with someone or some people. Ua masae le laufa'i somewhere along the way...
3. Russell came in with brilliant ideas and then left deflated, because...well, he had an agenda from the start, he was bitter about his treatment in Fiji and therefore started at SObserver with a vengance.
4. And he made the biggest mistake a palagi would do in the Pacific - he generalised, he made judgements and well, he was just a frustrated writer about the problems of Fiji, which became Pacific problems in his eyes.
5. His dictatorial role in pushing thru his own agenda in PASIMA reminds me of someone...hmmm.
6. The Editor forgot one key thing: change does not happen in a day, a year even, especially in Samoa...its like good wine, it takes time.
8. Samoa Observer need to learn their lesson about hiring has-beens with a cross to bear.
9. Youre not paying attention coz i missed point 7.

On the plus side,

Russell provided a fresh "removed" aproach to issues, very welcome to Samoan news.
He was new enough to not assert his bias into the stories, something Samoan editors are suckers for.
He was a different perspective to what we are used to.
But, he's not a Sano, he was scared of pissing off people and angering subscribers, he treaded waay too lightly and I can tell you now, it makes for uneventful reading.



Thursday, October 14, 2010

Buy this Book:

Now, the rest of New Zealand who want a copy of Lani Wendt's book can go to http://www.wheelers.co.nz/ and order it there.
This, without the hassle of calling your family in Samoa ($25.00), asking someone to buy it from Plantation House (taxi fare $7.00) and giving it to someone ($20) to bring to you ($25) in NZ., and then having your relation, ask you for money for white sunday at the same time ($200).

This is easier: go online, order, pay $51.40 and voila...Bob's yer uncle!

Why should I bother buying this?
This is a MUST OWN for your collection, it will now take centre stage  on the book shelf indefinitely, removing the Mea Kai cook book that you bought with cooking in mind but realised you can't buy manioca, or replicate true island feasts in a cold sterile palagi kitchen. So off yer go to the bottom shelf Oliver.

A Gift that means something
This is THE perfect Christmas gift for someone with everything , (yeah, i say that about every book i talk about here, but i really mean it this time).

It's MADE IS SAMOA
Aside from banana chips, keke saiga and the sevens team  Opeloge siblings, this is the best thing that has come out of Samoa in a long long long time. So enjoy it!

She was my cheechar!
Ms Wendt was my teacher at SamCo. And I was in the not so brilliant classes  (academically that is :)....and she taught us (shock horror!). Either she did a really good Oscar winning performance or she actually did give a damn.
You see, being in the lower classes, you are usually subjected to the teachers who can't be arsed teaching.
So their punishment is teaching us!
We used to get teachers who, halfway through explaining something, they'd stop and say "Eh, forget it, you won't get it" (aka Mr T), or a former politician who takes a '19th century /Modern History' class trip to  Falealupo to look at traditional structures....or or, an Economics teacher who slugs his fat belly into the congested room, lights a Rothman and orders someone to 'copy the teixtpook baragraph on the plackpoard'. Or a Math teacher who asks us nicely to NOT sit the external exam lest we drag down the school average. And lest we forget the Art classes about Mesopotamian era taught by a pervert who chats up the girls in the back. 

So...get the gist? Ms Wendt was a rarity, an awesome teacher who came in halfway and made Shakespeare likable (yes- its possible) and did things like class debates and interactive activities that made us think, "wow, this can actually work!"   

so, is that enough reasons for you to get the book?????
If not, good luck.






Saturday, October 09, 2010

Popping my buttons

I'm at that stage where I completely forget its bad manners to:

- Unbutton my stretchy pants and continue working as usual.
(until my Muslim male colleague suggests I tuck in my gut before going to meet people).

- burb unannounced and in public because its a natural reflex.

- rub my tummy at the most inoptune moments

- go to the toilet 6 times in 3 hours just to wee trickles, and then discuss it during lunch.

- eat all the food off the delicate plate at the delicate function, including the salmon, sushi and everything I shouldn't eat.

- Discuss birth stories at above function with other women, including what came first and how sex is a distant concept.

Aside for these mishaps, I am a very well mannered person (insert prompt to laugh at this point).

so...ten years later, so images from Samoa...well, we did take about 1800 pics altogether but I have only converted about 20. sowee.


Voyage
Frenchy took this pic of one of the crew aboard the Gaualofa on their journey to Savaii.
Any keen navigators must do this.
 MM and her dolls got a fashion makeover compliments of Lagipoiva Couture, tres chic!
 Breakfast at Samoa Hidaway Resort, gorgeous beach, free kayaks, yummy breakfast included in fale price and mattress comes with a bed. 

 Frenchy asked me to take pic of this, don't ask

Frieda Kahlo and Miha

Gaualofa again

Sons of Samoa, Jerome Grey is still the man!
                                    The Papali'i boys at the new and gorgeous Tanoa Tusitala.
                                           Maeva, Petra, Ivana

Can you tell our family and contraception don't gel? lol....Barry, Vonne, Vetti, and their cousins Fiamaua and Fiona
                                                        
                                 Mini Moelagi and Granma Moelagi
                                         
Life's tough for MM, Tanoa Tusitala Bar

                              apperitif

                                  Samoa flag on vaa
  PPSEAWA Peace Dinner at Manumea with Aunty Joan.

Friday, October 08, 2010

October Update

All Knocked Up
It must be something in the water, there are five women around me who are pregnant.
Crazy stuff!
I have one work colleague who is due in November.
Two friends.
One on Guis work mates and also our friend.
And our canadian friend pregnant with twins.
I can't believe we are going through this all over again, the dirty nappies, mashed food, engorged breasts and all the chaos of having a newborn,
Aue kafefe!

We've moved office
We've moved office, we are no longer near the 'Village Green'.
We are now part of the Enrolment /Scholarships block.
Aside from myself and colleague who get lovely separate offices, the rest of our team have been dropped into a small open plan room with one window. Suckeeeyyy! lol.
My new colleagues are wonderful, they got us cookies yesterday.
The one thing I will miss terribly is Ulo's dairy downstairs where our office buys lollies to aid our 3:30itis everyday, haha.
..oh, and the Momento coffee.
But - I did claim a whole box of stamps for MM's kindy, which she now refuses to give to her kindy. All 46 stamps. I'll post a pic up from yesterday, she hid the stamps and walked out of her room with "Fast Post" on her arms and "DRAFT" &"True certified copy" on her legs.
Talk about cheap thrills a ea.
I should wrap up some stamps for her Christmas pressie, haha.
pugi, we're on a budget!

What else happened:
oh, Samoan news is all about:
 - Tsunami anniversary was dominated by Lani Young Wendt's book "Galu Afi"...buy yourself one, its  beautiful, if not sad and tearful and heartfelt and so so so personal....i shouldn't read it now, I'm sobbing every 2 pages....wait till hormone attack eases.
 - The John Campbell report of lost monies for the tsunami
 - Angry respond to above by Stui and Misa
 - Misa's resignation and fall out with his constituency
 - Law Firms struck off LSA and their response.
 - Random shootings and burnings and what not...ya know, your usual Samoan paradise story.
 - Pageant wise, so far so good, no dramas, pregnancies, ...so all in all, boring. Boring is good. hah.

k, manuia le weekend.








Saturday, October 02, 2010

Live, Love, Land, Sex and Money

We went land snooping in the hills in Monaco -Malololelei and the favelas of Vaitele and the deep valleys of Roman Moamoa, even viewing a piece in the Bronx/Kings Cross/K Road of Lalovaea.
The cheapest piece is of course the plots in Vaitele, behind the anals of factory fumes and chemical gung and the criminal squatter settlements of Rio.
*sigh, our budget will get us just that, squatter paradise neighbours or AOG acoustic screamers*
So....I decided that desperate measures called for desperate action (or whatever the saying is) -
I will do whatever it takes to get me that land with a view in Malololelei which will be 30g or less - already cleared with electricity and water on the 3/4 or half acre, better than Ah Likis and Ah Hims plots.
There!
(I was prepared to do anything that didn't involve bending over or airing my thighs, no thanks - that will be reserved for the 2 acres at Vailima under 90g).
So,
A plan was laid out. In my head.
I walked to the shabby Catholic Lands office opposite the recently revamped Feiloaimauso.
I stopped outside the door.
Removed my Emporio Armani shades..my gold watch from Paris, my necklace from Marion.
Switched off the phone,
Scruffed up my already afro hair,
Removed rings except my wedding and engagement band (holy matrimony is important to me Dear Lord).
I looked proudly at my reflection on the dusty window...Voila!
I think the Director will see a devout Rosary carrying Catholic girl who wants to offer her soul for the taulaga and build a home of worship).
Last thing to do, accentuate my growing belly - to show my state of fragility and distrust in contraception because I want to procreate the earth with my offsprings, Amen).
(I looked at my teeth using the glass window next to me, to make sure theres no mango bits, and a priest peers out from the other side of the glass, smiling. Fuck. Bad start, walk on).
I entered the air conditioned office and there is a queu of equally destitute looking people around.
I;m sure Misa Foni said there was no poverty in Samoa, who are these shets?
So,
I waited, I read my Samoa Observer and pretended there was worthwhile news.
And then, he walked in.
And saw my paper,
And asked me if he can read it. (I thank God for creating Sano Malifa, you're my hero).
"But of course sir!" and proceeded to his desk, and invited myself to sit down.
He read the paper, I sat looking at the engraved letters of my handbag.
"Magaia lau ako suga" he looks up from from page 6.
I looked at him and realised, the one thing I should have hidden is staring at the Director; my mother's Louis Vuitton that I bribed off her for a $100NZD. Fark. so much for looking broke.
Anyhow, our meeting starts.
I tell my sob story, and he listens.
In fact, all the 20 + people in the air conditioned little room listen to my sob story.
This is how it went,
"I'm *insert name here* from Savaii.
I just arrived on the boat (Lie) with my elderly mother (Lie) and we currently live in the favelas of Apia (slightly a lie- half truth), I don't have land (well, I really don't, but my mom does but she has other children who will drag me to  land and titles court for building on her land in 60 years time), anyway, about my mother who is elderly (she will crucify me if she hears me call her elderly), I want to build her a house on some land, and since I am Catholic (and my eyes drop to the floor to show humility and poverty) I wish to plead with you for some land (and my desperation makes my shoulders droop with sadness).
"Where are you living now?" asked the Director.
"Well, after I finished my primary schooling in St Theresa Fusi Safotulafai (not a lie- but unnecesary info), I went to Logoipulotu (omit the fact that I went to Samco 5  minutes later), we migrated (emphasis on migration of the poor) to the favellas of Lalovaea, where we currently live now (lie) with my cousins, aunties, uncles and the whole aiga basket".
The foundation has been laid, he chats to me some more and then states that priority goes to those who have been relocated and with a real need (and I thought disquietly, oh! like the rich fakas with the best view up the hill? sure Pedro).
So I stress my desperation some more, like my mother is not getting any younger (she will now hang me at this point for making her an antique) and we have a growing family (and gestures towards my suddenly large belly).

He  repeats himself at this point, "...priority is for those who are relocated and those who are in desperate need....radiradirah"
I realised, this guy was not gonna sell me land.

Was it the Louis Vuitton? Was my story too surreal? Was he seeing my manicured nails? Was my pre-marital sex past showing? Was he aware my brothers are key contributors to the marjuana scene? Should I have brought my Rosary along? And a cow and pig for an offering to Virgin Mary?
What now?

Our meeting comes to an awkward end and I decided to throw in a spanner to the works.

"Well, please let me know if anything comes available because I came prepared to purchase land immediately and not queu up for a loan and start building for my elderly mother and many family members."

The penny dropped.

"Well," boasted the Director, "you do know those who can afford to purchase land immediately get the priority, right? If you have the money, we can definitely work something out".Fuck the needy and relocated.

Well, in that case, scratch that relocated and needy bit, I have cash sir.

The Word of the day is this:
Sometimes, money is not the root of all evil. Its what you make of it that makes it evil. If you want to buy land from the Pope in Samoa, wear your pretty MENA dress, put on your whore red lippy, borrow your sister's bling and click your stillettos past Pinati to see the Director, coz no sob story can match the value of the TALA. Bless you all my sinful children.