Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Weve all been driving on the stupid side of the road, Samoa

Ridiculously Hard-headed Dicktator

Uncle Tui said that the reasoning behind introducing Right Hand Drive to Samoa next year is to make it easier for the Samoan family to be more mobile, move inland and be safe from rising sea levels!!!


Where do I start?

Gawd, it seems like this dude needs a knock on the left side of his brain to get back to his right senses!!!

I am so truly dissapointed with *Uncle Tui, because up until this very (politically) suicidal decision, I have actually admired his initiatives in the last few years, thrusting Samoa forward in such a stunning manner, siphoning grants and funding from every nook and corner possible, yet still standing tall and claiming an air of self-sustanance.

Simply put, we're broke as, we appreciate your help Mao Tsu Tung, but fark up off, we're independent and proud and stand on our own two feet!
(Albeit vae poua feet).

Isa Laia!

For so long, *Uncle Tui has been the mastermind behind the economic successes of our beloved Samunda.

This is the same man, or shall i say, this WAS the same man who has been flirting with China, two timing Hellen and Bainimarama and cavorting with global funding/donor agencies only to say ...ia, o le au vaega lea e maua mai ai tatou tupe,.. while the palagi is standing there brimming with confusionism all over?

Right Hand Drive to be introduced next year. July.

No consultation, no planning, just word on the street and then auoi a...into the Palemene. For the sake of the 2 foreigners reading my blog, Palemene is samoan for the house of bribery-elected members of the public, with lots of money and several titles- who effectually make decisions for the rest of Samoa. (exept for the two independent mps, who don't need titles, as they own the bank and the whole of beach road).

PLease do not think i'm anti-government.

I'm not.

I'm just anti-stupid political- decision-making-without-any-common-sense.

In fact, If elections were tomorrow, I'd vote for HRPP again. Because, ummm, well, coz thats the only political party in my kauntry hahahah...and coz my uncle's aunty's cousin's husband's brother went for our itu malo and our matai say we had to vote for them.(Democracy Samoan-style)

*Uncle Tui justified the RHD move as common sense, in that your right hand is your lima poto (yikes!!) and your lima agavale, is your what..lima valea?
So we've all been driving on the stupid side of the road.

God save Samoa, quickly please coz our democratically elected leaders are just driving us into a ditch. And please opposition party, stop bitching amongst yourselves and get your shit together. At the rate things are progressing (or rather regressing/ or would it be depressing) if Uncle Tui decided tomorrow we all drive upside down or all the men in the government building wear pink panties, they probably will!

*He's actually not my uncle, I'm just name-dropping and using the term in an endearing manner to give personality where its needed.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Have a swig of your own medicine mate...

Churen, use "flaneur" in a sentence.

Writers, use "accountable" in a sentence.

I remind myself of that all ta toime, i.e. If you are prepared to write, be prepared for the reprecussions, be prepared to have your ego punched once in a while and at same instance, be prepared to take criticism.

Because, YOU are the biggest critic around.

If you are ready to put your name to print, speak your moind, hurt peoples feelings, ponder on what you believe in (in the name of freedom), then honeychild, have a swig of your own medicine.

Over and Out.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Why some people should not write

Some people should never ever be allowed to write, for any sort of media.

Alan Ah Mu comes to mind.

As to why Sano Malifa allows this dude to write Editorials is baffling.

I'd happily get my 13 year old cousin to write an editorial, or better yet, correct Ah Mu's articles.

Today I browsed through Samoa Observer (as is my religious routine on a nightly basis) in the hope of reading some good ol' Sano bashing of some 'somebody-high-n-mighty' but was sadly dissapointed because he must be at the golf course, leaving the workers to write chaos.

Let me dissect Ah Mu's article today:

"Fly the Apia-Auckland route often enough, like once a year, and the realisation might dawn that the two places are just five hours apart by air." No shet, Sherlock

The distancing aspect these days is no longer geography it is perspective. In particular the wrong perspective".

Why doesn't he put commas where they are meant to be?

He goes on to state:

"Meaning their impression of what life in Samoa was like going on what their parents had told them was more than a little off target."
...I feel like a Mrs Barlow right now and okegia you for not formulating your sentences correctly!

"It is what we should be watching ourselves on our television here rather than a programme about an American man riding around fighting bad guys with his motor vehicle which he talks to - and, God Almighty, Dallas."

Oi sole, where do I start?

Grammatical dramas aside, the context of his story is a rather poorly researched, a shallow viewpoint about NZ Samoans impressions of Samoa and the impacts on Samoans in Samoa. hehe...(thats a whole lotta Samoans in one sentence!)

I understand where he is coming from, but he got lost along the way.

Firstly, he makes such degrading and bitter generalisations about people. Without getting his facts right. Without acknowledging the harsh realities that Samoans abroad endure in order to get that church in your village rebuilt and retiled.

My point is, Ah Mu, Samoans of the 60-70s left for a 'supposed' better life, for their families, their children. Not necessarily by choice. That, my horrible editor, is a fact.
They left their homelands with the intents of building a future, making money, educating their children, remitting their meagre wages for their families in Samoa.
How did they do this?

Working long hours in factories, meatworks, construction while the average New Zealander basked in the sunshine, giddy with choices.

Clearly, their Samoa became a "laid back" dream, of warmth, freedom and sadly,..the past.

We humans do that, we reminisce about the past, until it becomes rose-tinted and candy flossed.

They tell their children of this "paradise", their children's Samoa becomes their parent's Samoa. That, my friend, is why Samoans abroad speak of Samoa in a nostalgic, romanticed way.
I will do the same for my 7 imaginary children in the future. I will lie on a mat in our floral living room and sing "Tuli mai tuli mai" and tell stories about "MY" Samoa. I will tell them of the beauties of my homeland. As for the realities, let them find out for themselves. That is for them to choose.

Not for an editor to point out.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Oceania Politickling

Matches the term " muli kaea"(For fear of using a degrading palagi term).

He is the current self-proclaimed Prime Minister of Fiji, a.k.a the "coup paradise of the Pacific". He has shafted democracy, abused the majority of Fijian people's human rights and freedom and used force to assume leadership.


Matches the term 'Lose'

Because nobody wins in the end, (except Bainimarama of course...for now).

Worse yet, the other Pacific leaders sit back on their heavy backsides and let it all happen, even inviting Baniamarama to the recent Forum.

What is this suggesting? That dictatorship is okay? That it's Fiji's problem not ours, so we'll let them be?

Whatever the case, the reality is becoming apparent that the Forum is becoming obsolete and ineffective, not so different from the League of Nations before it flopped, not unlike the UN before we found out Kofi's son was getting cash for being Kofi's son.

I'm dissapointed with my uncle Tui, (nah, he's not actually my uncle, i'm just name dropping).

For a man who speaks his moind and stabs his listeners before massaging their egos, its sad to realise he's taking the back bench and not gettin' involved.

If the Pacific leaders actually spoke their minds at the Forum, it would have been something like this:

Helen Clark: "I don't wanna talk to you Bainimarama, youre a d1ck"

Bainimarama: "Dude, leave me alone, if you don't like me, butt out and get a wife"

Prince of Tonga "Bainimarama, you can hang out at my pad, I like big boys, hmmmm"

Tuilaepa: "hmmmm, I love coups, it brings everyone to my crib, more coups more coups and more kava plizzz!!!!

Cook Islands: Guys, I'd love to say something but my hands are tied, don't wanna get detentions from Headmaster Helen.

Niue PM: "Hello, anyone hear me????? I'm here??

Tuvalu: "Niue, I'm also here but you can't see me, i'm submerged"

Tokelau: Guys, just take a chill pill and relax...oh, and yeah, Helen's my man!!

Solomons: I hate you John Howard, I'm not coming to the party coz of you, youre a d1ck.

John Howard: "Wow, there's islands in that ocean hmmm? (should have a chat to Internal Affairs about relocating the Aboriginals there after elections"

Wednesday, August 29, 2007


Isn't it our greatest fear?

To remain anonymous in a world of "visual"?

Fearing that our 'self' ness will become rubbed off the canvas?

Our sense of embodiment sprayed over by a skinny long-legged blond bitch?

And so we force ourselves to be joyful in a demanding and fat-free existence.

Detoxing our depressed flabs to please mankind.

Stretching our skins to reproduce humanity.

All the while exuding a scene of serenity.

Because it is expected of us,

Giving, Healing, Caring, Giving again,

When truly,

We could be emancipated and




Saturday, August 25, 2007

Detaching my Ear for Love

I first laid eyes on him one October morning,

Squatting and blowing onto the coconut husks

Willing for the fire to reignite,

Sweat dripping off his wide forehead,

His arms blackened by charcoal,

His lavalava was lifted to expose muscly thighs.

I scolded myself mentally for staring so longingly.

I'm here for an errand, not to gawk at strange beautiful men, I remind myself unconvincingly.

"What do you want?" Muscly thighs called out,

"My mother sent me to get a tauaga" I answered nervously.

He dropped the husks, walked across the earth kitchen and reached for the tauaga.

"Give it back, its our only one"

I knew nothing of him, he was a stranger in our village.

One day he was there, the next, he had disappeared, exiting only in my thoughts and dreams.

The following month, I boarded the Salafai ferry with my heavy umu basket
I did not notice the man following me up the stairs

Until I was in the dark corner of the car port, when he touched my shoulder lightly and said "O oe lea ga avea le makou kauaga a?"

I pretended I didn't know him, although my dreams revolved around his muscly thighs.
I tried to remain unimpressed but his smile was kind and warm.

From that time on, we met in secret, wrote love letters to each other and talked endlessly on the ferry to and from Mulifanua.

My heart has eloped, Aue, ua avaga lo'u loto

I wanted him to take me to his village, but he refused saying his family are busy with a faalavelave.

I wanted him to come to my house but he refused because my father might dismember him.
And so we continued to meet in secret, in beach fales, in park reserves, on queen poto buses, under tamaligi trees, under fu'afu'a trees, beyond sea walls, and wherever a taxi was willing to take us.

That was 6 months ago.

I lie here now, watching the ants crawling on the ceiling, hearing the pilis croaking now and then, counting the nails from one corner to the next, memorising the number of louvres on the shabby window frame. Ten cars have passed in the last 3 minutes, one of those is a bus playing Vaniah, "Liliu le taimi"

I've lost count of weeks, days, hours.
I want to scratch my chin, but,

My arm is rendered useless for now, my leg suspended on wires,

At least I can see through my right eye.

I can't feel my neck but the brace is biting into my shoulders.

They said my left ear cannot be reattached.

Oh, but the venom of an angry Samoan woman.

My lover forgot to mention

That he was happily married.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Samoa as youve never seen it

Okay, im back to the blog platform to refit my blog crown and hang my dirty laundry.
Because apparently, no one is coming to check this page anymore, so all the better for me to spik moi moind again, hahah

As I type, Apia is frothing at the mouth with SPG fever.

And frankly, its great for our prettiful country. For we can only move forward. Nevermind that its a shove forward, as opposed to a well planned step ahead.


The roads have received its annual 'bandaid' treatment early, the bridges have been rebuilt to last 4 cyclones, not 2, every Tom Dick and Sione has built a hotel, and SPG is imprinted (albeit illegally) on handbags, tablecloths, pushbikes, kilikili bats, earrings and im sure someone's wiping their buttocks with a "Live the Dream" logo somewhere out there.

Bridge near Tuanaimato

SPG is the new black, for sure.


The drive to the airport is something out of Hong Kong, one would wonder if theres car sales all the way from Faleolo to Faleula. Villages are decorated in all colours and gadgets to welcome the althetes and to win the beautification prize from Samoa Tourism. I felt a small surge of pride in seeing the enthusiasm by villages to impress our visitors. Nofoalii village took an illuminated step by lining the road with moli kalasigi (kerosene lights), and it almost feels like we're taxing down the tarmac long before we got to Faleolo(but the potholes kinda kill the effect haha)

Another thing to mention is the stunning musical fountain feature infront of the Terminal building. How sexy to see waters oozing to Zipso and Vaniah sounds...hmmmm, i loike et, hope it lasts tho.

Our aircraft was delayed for 2 hours as it had to be refueled in Nadi before coming over. Within that time, 2 Air Calins, 1 Air Niu Gini, 1 Air Nauru landed, to be followed by 4 Air NZ flights. It was strange (to say the least) seeing the Airport Authority running like nuts organising flights. I was again so BBBBBproud, seeing how staff was thinly stretched and overworked, yet running the show as if this was normal day in Faleolo. Despite the long wait at the Lounge, it was rather entertaining seeing 600 people checked in hour after hour, and hearing staff yelling at security "eh, a kou sioa i palagi ae le o e fai kou galuega?' Everyone was so in awe with the arrivals that when we finally walked out, i found myself, alone on the tarmac, wondering where my plane was, i could have easily marched into Air Calin and flew off to new caledonia and no one would notice.

Newsline, the triweekly newspaper, had its buildings and everything burned to the ground at 2am on wednesday morning. The investigation will commence as soon as SPG is finished. hehe.

Newsline office burnt to th ground
Anyhow, it doesn't take an Einstein to conclude that the fire was deliberated started by a very frustated asshole who is angry that Newsline is exposing the truth about certain shady dealings.

Am I speculating? Am I saying that CJ's stories are pissing off the "wrong" crowd?

Well, only time will tell, but I know that this event has ignited the urge for the truth to be told, NOT hide it.

Theres is a Samoan saying, "E tau nana fua le tetea ae manino lava le mata o le vai" I will not even attempt to transliterate that because it comes out as "Try to hide the albino but the waters reflection is clear", aw well, there you go, I just butchered the beautiful Samoan alagaupu/proverb. Sorry!
My point is,

Newsline are doing a great job. Don't let these hurdles affect what is right. Its obvious that the written word is powerful. Powerful enough for a certain bitter someone to burn your buildings in anger. Hang in there Pio, Relle, Megan, Charlina, Astrid, Tili, Rosa and all the great people whose lives revolve around NEWSLINE.

Newsline will continue online at www.newslinesamoa.com. Please forward this link on so you may continue to read the truth that the arsonist (aka arseholist) doesn't want you to know.

Thats me for now, i shall be back ...

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Exceptional Photography by Charles Cooper

Check out Charles stunning photography on his recently updated website.

Charles used to run the Niue Tourism operations here in NZ, which is how i met him while I was in Samoa Tourism.
Obviously being small fish in big tourism pond, it helped teaming up with the other small island destinations reps in Auckland, and i managed to catch up with Charles every once in a while to update ourselves with Pacific goss and all things islandish.

Anyhow, I resigned from tourism and took the plunge into the travel (consultant) field, something that is looked upon as completely unthinkable and ...stupid.
My tourism colleagues were shocked at my sudden change, especially since the norm was moving from travel to tourism.

Ah well, i managed and am enjoying the change, except i got pregnant 3 months into the job, every managers nightmaRE, heheh.

okay, check out the pics and enjoy!!!!

couch update

Some time in the next 2 weeks, my waters may break, my contractions may start and my nether regions will undergo intense action, not of the pleasurable nature but rather my interiors being exposed and ravaged by childbirth.

If my decription of this suppsedly-magical moment sounds slightly vulgar, I really don't care because i am writing from my soul to my heart, not for anyone else's self-gratification, screw that.

So Mom and Omega arrive today, Fleur and Cherelle are already here- somewhere in Botany today and the children came and left again for a visit.

I'm refering to my 10, 8 year old nieces and 3 year old hyper-nephew.
They came to NZ for the first time to get injections for meningococal B as a few children have died in Samoa due to this.

It has been a while since i have been in the company of children, specifically Samoan-born and raised children.

There is something particularly exhausting about these three that has almost reduced me to early labour pains. Master Three had a tendency to piss his pants at the most inoptune moments, the older two staged arguments that drive you nuts and the house was reduced to a mess that I couldn't clear because my energy levels have been pitiful.
I miss the little ones now, but in a deafeningly-silent relieving sort of way. I miss them when they are gone, but the longer theyre here, the wearier i become.

I did however have some beautiful moments with the kids. Mstr Three volunteered daily to massage bio oil on my tummy, and then he would start chatting excited to it, and he would stop and say "Uh oh, ua fia kio pepe, (Pepe wants to do a shit)". He also tended to remind me daily how huge my stomach is "Oka se lapoa o lou magava sole".

Aside from the children, I officially finished work a week ago, and it is such a wonderful thing to sleep in every day, wake up and worry only about what i am going to eat.

Speaking of which, food has been a touchy issue over the last 9 months. Because i have been blessed(cursed in the eyes of the Health System) with being a Pacific Islander, I have therefore been earmarked from the beginning to be likely to develop (if not already) diabetes, high blood pressure and every other diesease in the book.
As a result, I have been subjected to numerous tests to assess my progress.
So much so that I had to do two glucose tests and a liver scan to be absolutely sure i was NOT diabetic.

Furthermore, midwife tells me baby might arrive late.
So i have been trying every trick, exercise, myth and idea that could bring on labour.

I've been walking around the block with one foot on the curb and the other on the road, much to the neighbour's amusement.

I had hot hot curry in town with fleur until my nose was runny and my throat hurt.

Today, I'm buying fresh pineapple because Asians apparently eat these to bring on early labour.

Hot sex also helps, but frankly, thats not on my books these days, or the last few months for that matter, so pineapple and curry it is.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Of Affairs and Rumours

Several months on, I decide to return to my blog and keep my 5 readers updated as to why i have been gone for so long.

1. My working hours mean logging on at home is a real inconvenience
2. Broadband is a sucker in New Zealand, to hell with those shets at TELECOM
3. I started another blog for friends and family only.
4. I got sick of wankers and weirdos emailing me about people whose photos appear on
my blog, accusing me of encouraging extramarital affairs and warning me that some of these people are of disagreeable characters and so on.
5. Coz i don't feel like et,...right? right.

But i'm back now, i needed some closure, so here goes:

Easter is the reason for the chicken

Ia, pau ga.

Also, I am proud to announce that the Samoan Sevens Team won the Hong KOng Sevens.

I'd love to mention the names of the players but then again i might get an email saying "Do you know that he has 4 children to his ex and is currently screwing the neighbour's cousin's aunty's niece, under the kamaligi tree?"

While we are on the subject, lets not forget that the former CEO from a particular government corporation has been fired due to alledgedly having unconsented sex with his former secretary in Samoa.
Now that is not a rumour, unless you associate rumours with Ombudsmans report and Samoa Observer front page.

Its a sad state of affairs and I'm sad to admit that many (if not majority) of Samoan men love to screw their way thu town and back, with any living creature, female, male or faafafine (the three genders in Samunda).

It is fair to conclude that 70% of men in Crabbers or RSA have had sex with women who are not their wives.

If every case was investigated like the STA case, I'm certain we will have no one running the businesses and the government departments in Apia.

Always the infatuation with affairs.

What i can't comprehend is that Samoa is so small, that whatever goes on under your mosquito net, 10 people are avidly peeking thru the holes, so obviously the affair becomes old news anyway.

Eh, fai mai e a le isi koeaiga i le makeki fou: It's the nature of the beast I beliff.

I leave u, my faithful 5 readers with this, "Life is all about foraying ahead, if you can't hack it, f*ck off"

With lots of tofas,


DISCLAIMER: What i choose to write on my blog is my business alone, so bugger off if you disagree, simple as that.